ugly

So you had a baby – why exactly are we supposed to care?

I must say that I did breathe a sigh of relief that the royal kid is a boy, because the prospect of being bombarded by headlines about matching outfits was bound to make us all physically ill. On the upside, we should all be grateful for anything that takes the focus off which Kardashian thinks they are the hottest this week – not to mention the epic stupidity that was the ‘North West’ atrocity. I still recoil in horror at the mere thought of it, and continue to debate over which is more of an assault to my sensibilities – their imbecility or their futile attempt to be clever?

There is no excuse for this - this is just totally unacceptable. I just hope the baby doesn't inherit her fashion sense. The question remains - who is more offended by this - Kim or the couch?!?

There is no excuse for this – this is just totally unacceptable. I just hope the baby doesn’t inherit her fashion sense. The question remains – who is more offended by this – Kim or the couch?!?

The Spray Tan phenomenon – who are you kidding?

Following on from my statement about the grotesquely hideous platform wedge, another postmodern ‘fashion’ abomination that requires addressing is the spray tan. What could possibly possess someone to pay money to stand in a cubicle completely naked (g-string optional) and be sprayed with iridescent orange paint so that they can emerge resembling an oompa-loompa or a corpse restored by a colour-blind mortician?

In addition to this, the spray tan, as far as I am aware, only lasts for a brief period of time. The upside to this of course is that it at least limits the time period in which you would be exposed to public ridicule. Yet, fans of this innovative tanning technique insist on perpetuating this cosmetic cataclysm. Here is a profound revelation…there is this thing…it is called…the sun!

On a positive note, after several years of profits gained by the ‘beauty therapist’ for performing this service, they will finally be able to afford the highly accredited Certificate IV in Eyelash Extensions.

I'm sure even Donnatella Versace would consider this extreme.

I’m sure even Donnatella Versace would consider this extreme.