Random observations that defy logic and reason

Have you noticed anything about society that by definition defies any conceivable logic or reason? This page is dedicated to any random observations or theories that appear baffling or nonsensical.

Delusional conformists living the ‘suburban dream’


My Family stickers – every time I see a car with these tragically conformist stickers, I can only shake my head – congratulations, you procreated, why exactly are we supposed to care? But that is only the beginning of my disdain for this phenomenon. The first thing I struggled to comprehend was what really went through these people’s heads when they decided to purchase these adhesives that inspires the onset of nausea in most people and excessive anti-stupidity, non conformist rage amongst others.

Most commonly seen on sparkling-clean, oversized Four Wheel Drives (or SUVs – the American term that has been adopted by these very types of people merely because Standard Utility Vehicle sounds more impressive) these stickers are designed to represent to society that the drivers of these vehicles are expressing their pride in acknowledging the fact that they have in fact attained the ‘suburban dream’ – happily married, with 2.5 children and a fluffy, white designer cross-breed dog such as a moodle or a cockapoo. I guess the small dog is somehow supposed to counteract the symbolism of the big car as overcompensation for penis size, something that the amount of children also represents.  These adhesives, that in addition to their purpose of highlighting the misguided ideas that the perfect, Brady Bunch family is a life accomplishment, ironically are intended to represent the individuality of each family member through a limited range of extreme stereotypes.

If these were indeed accurate portrayals of these families, there seems to be a surprisingly large amount of fishermen holding their rods or BBQ chefs holding up sausages (phallic much!?!) with thin, yuppie, shopaholic wives; a prancy princess daughter (complete with a halo and angel wings); and a pseudo Bart Simpson, bad-ass son with a skateboard wearing his hat backwards. This may be an accurate portrayal of maybe five percent of society,  but that is probably about it.

The representations of the father are probably the most accurate, as I am guessing this is the only way that their wives would be able to convince them to even apply these stickers to their brand new BMW SUV, which of course has not once been, or will it ever be, used off-road on rough terrain. It is also interesting that they are the only stick figures that are represented as overweight, due to their beer-gut. Interestingly, the mothers are all represented as the standard stick figure, as the men who own these cars would not highlight the fact that their wives are not in fact thin, business women; however, quite the opposite – obese housewives with nothing better to do with their time than carefully select these stickers. The fact that these representations are far from accurate can only be explained by either a complete lack of self-awareness or  a delusional belief that they can fool everyone into believing that they are in fact the perfect family unit. This façade is of course nullified when a 120kg behemoth who requires an extension for a standard-sized seatbelt and military-strength shock absorbers on their SUV with these stickers, is seen waiting for half and hour in the McDonald’s drive-through ordering a supersized Triple Cheeseburger meal and 20 nuggets (and a Diet Coke of course).

Another thing to consider apart from the contradictory representation highlighting their self-importance and delusion, is the fact that they are potentially offending a series of minority groups in addition to the grotesquely obese. I am guessing that these stickers are not available in different shades other than white, which is not exactly an accurate portrayal of our multicultural society. I am also yet to see a car with two men and a few cats to represent their family, on their pink VW Golf. Not to mention the high percentage of divorced, single parent families that these people would judge harshly based on their failure of maintaining this ‘suburban dream.’ At least divorced, single parents are living their truth, rather than perpetuating the metaphorical turd wrapped in aluminium foil, the lie represented by the smiling faces of the stick figure family, despite their secret subconscious plots as to how to murder each other in their sleep due to the sheer banality of their mediocre-at-best relationship. On the upside, the rest of society can breathe a sigh of relief that there would most likely not be any more stickers added to the family, unless of course by the miracle of immaculate conception. The addition of multiple pet stickers is a direct correlation of the lack of coitus between the couple, as they are by this stage nothing less than repulsed by each other’s mere presence.

I would like to congratulate the designer of these stickers, the innovator of this concept, who is probably a single, childless millionaire, who perhaps chooses cacti as the only living entity present in their mansion (which they surprisingly do not feel the need to represent as a decal on their Porsche or their Lamborghini) who has proceeded to make millions of dollars through the conformist, stupidity  of the consumers of these adhesives. I would also like to express my admiration to those people who apply the anti-My Family stickers with pride. My only concern regarding this phenomenon is that it highlights the amount of stupid, delusional, conformists that have procreated, as it speaks volumes of the mentality that will no doubt be passed on to the next generation, that this sheep-like ideology should be celebrated, rather than be treated with absolute contempt.


If you watch these TV shows your IQ just dropped 50 points

I recently concluded that Australian television has hit an all time low – and I thought it was inconceivable that anything could possibly get any more ridiculous than the horror that was Celebrity Splash (the term ‘celebrity’ used in this context was blatantly hyperbolic). However, this was clearly an erroneous claim on my part, as evidence to the contrary has recently been discovered. The fact that a television program based solely on the premise of C-grade ‘celebrities’ falling over on a tilting set could not be in breach of the Broadcasting Services Act based on asininity alone, is abominable. My only possible conclusions are that either this puerile concept would suffice to engage the target audience of the lumpen proletariat; or alternatively, indicates sufficient grounds for an investigation into a mass-lobotomisation conspiracy.

There is more intellectual and professional integrity in a queue at a social security office than the entire cast and audience of this spectacle

There is more intellectual and professional integrity in a queue at a social security office than the entire cast and audience of this spectacle

So you had a baby – why exactly are we supposed to care?

I must say that I did breathe a sigh of relief that the royal kid is a boy, because the prospect of being bombarded by headlines about matching outfits was bound to make us all physically ill. On the upside, we should all be grateful for anything that takes the focus off which Kardashian thinks they are the hottest this week – not to mention the epic stupidity that was the ‘North West’ atrocity. I still recoil in horror at the mere thought of it, and continue to debate over which is more of an assault to my sensibilities – their imbecility or their futile attempt to be clever?

There is no excuse for this - this is just totally unacceptable. I just hope the baby doesn't inherit her fashion sense. The question remains - who is more offended by this - Kim or the couch?!?

There is no excuse for this – this is just totally unacceptable. I just hope the baby doesn’t inherit her fashion sense. The question remains – who is more offended by this – Kim or the couch?!?

Save the bears? At least whales wouldn’t kill you

Have you ever noticed that representatives of non-Government organisations such as The Wilderness Society, are always extremely attractive and charismatic, usually with either Irish or Spanish accents? I have no doubt whatsoever that this is the primary reason that 90% of people choose to make donations to these organisations – no matter how compelling their spiel is about some obscure species of bear that is under threat of extinction.

Apart from the fact that these so-called activists are working on a commission only basis which explains why they continuously harass you every time you walk past them to the point where you are stressed out about the fact that you are running out of excuses to get away from them, they seem to target locations where they are least likely to gain any donations. Do they really think that targeting universities based solely on the idea that students must be raging pseudo-hippy, environmentalists is an effective strategy? Reality is, students are more likely to be concerned about how they are going to afford tobacco and alcohol, let alone food, until their next pay. I’m guessing saving bears is not high on their priority list.

In addition to this, do you really think that in an alternate universe that the specific bears that they are trying to convince you to save would take an active interest in assisting the continuation of the survival of the human species? I highly doubt it, considering there have been approximately 32 fatal bear attacks since 1980, 13 of which occured since the year 2000. A precedent to support my argument is that of grizzly bear activist, Timothy Treadwell and his girlfriend Amie Huguenard, who were both fatally attacked by one of the bears who they had been living amongst.

In conclusion, even the highest dedication to bear activism is counterproductive to say the least, considering the likelihood of it ultimately leading to your own demise. Alternatively, a donation of $50 a month to this imbecilic cause is hardly going to gain you the prerequisites in order to be a viable candidate for Knighthood.

Umm, I think I'll save the whales instead

Umm, I think I’ll save the whales instead