My Family stickers – every time I see a car with these tragically conformist stickers, I can only shake my head – congratulations, you procreated, why exactly are we supposed to care? But that is only the beginning of my disdain for this phenomenon. The first thing I struggled to comprehend was what really went through these people’s heads when they decided to purchase these adhesives that inspires the onset of nausea in most people and excessive anti-stupidity, non conformist rage amongst others.
Most commonly seen on sparkling-clean, oversized Four Wheel Drives (or SUVs – the American term that has been adopted by these very types of people merely because Standard Utility Vehicle sounds more impressive) these stickers are designed to represent to society that the drivers of these vehicles are expressing their pride in acknowledging the fact that they have in fact attained the ‘suburban dream’ – happily married, with 2.5 children and a fluffy, white designer cross-breed dog such as a moodle or a cockapoo. I guess the small dog is somehow supposed to counteract the symbolism of the big car as overcompensation for penis size, something that the amount of children also represents. These adhesives, that in addition to their purpose of highlighting the misguided ideas that the perfect, Brady Bunch family is a life accomplishment, ironically are intended to represent the individuality of each family member through a limited range of extreme stereotypes.
If these were indeed accurate portrayals of these families, there seems to be a surprisingly large amount of fishermen holding their rods or BBQ chefs holding up sausages (phallic much!?!) with thin, yuppie, shopaholic wives; a prancy princess daughter (complete with a halo and angel wings); and a pseudo Bart Simpson, bad-ass son with a skateboard wearing his hat backwards. This may be an accurate portrayal of maybe five percent of society, but that is probably about it.
The representations of the father are probably the most accurate, as I am guessing this is the only way that their wives would be able to convince them to even apply these stickers to their brand new BMW SUV, which of course has not once been, or will it ever be, used off-road on rough terrain. It is also interesting that they are the only stick figures that are represented as overweight, due to their beer-gut. Interestingly, the mothers are all represented as the standard stick figure, as the men who own these cars would not highlight the fact that their wives are not in fact thin, business women; however, quite the opposite – obese housewives with nothing better to do with their time than carefully select these stickers. The fact that these representations are far from accurate can only be explained by either a complete lack of self-awareness or a delusional belief that they can fool everyone into believing that they are in fact the perfect family unit. This façade is of course nullified when a 120kg behemoth who requires an extension for a standard-sized seatbelt and military-strength shock absorbers on their SUV with these stickers, is seen waiting for half and hour in the McDonald’s drive-through ordering a supersized Triple Cheeseburger meal and 20 nuggets (and a Diet Coke of course).
Another thing to consider apart from the contradictory representation highlighting their self-importance and delusion, is the fact that they are potentially offending a series of minority groups in addition to the grotesquely obese. I am guessing that these stickers are not available in different shades other than white, which is not exactly an accurate portrayal of our multicultural society. I am also yet to see a car with two men and a few cats to represent their family, on their pink VW Golf. Not to mention the high percentage of divorced, single parent families that these people would judge harshly based on their failure of maintaining this ‘suburban dream.’ At least divorced, single parents are living their truth, rather than perpetuating the metaphorical turd wrapped in aluminium foil, the lie represented by the smiling faces of the stick figure family, despite their secret subconscious plots as to how to murder each other in their sleep due to the sheer banality of their mediocre-at-best relationship. On the upside, the rest of society can breathe a sigh of relief that there would most likely not be any more stickers added to the family, unless of course by the miracle of immaculate conception. The addition of multiple pet stickers is a direct correlation of the lack of coitus between the couple, as they are by this stage nothing less than repulsed by each other’s mere presence.
I would like to congratulate the designer of these stickers, the innovator of this concept, who is probably a single, childless millionaire, who perhaps chooses cacti as the only living entity present in their mansion (which they surprisingly do not feel the need to represent as a decal on their Porsche or their Lamborghini) who has proceeded to make millions of dollars through the conformist, stupidity of the consumers of these adhesives. I would also like to express my admiration to those people who apply the anti-My Family stickers with pride. My only concern regarding this phenomenon is that it highlights the amount of stupid, delusional, conformists that have procreated, as it speaks volumes of the mentality that will no doubt be passed on to the next generation, that this sheep-like ideology should be celebrated, rather than be treated with absolute contempt.