Month: February 2014

If you watch these TV shows your IQ just dropped 50 points

I recently concluded that Australian television has hit an all time low – and I thought it was inconceivable that anything could possibly get any more ridiculous than the horror that was Celebrity Splash (the term ‘celebrity’ used in this context was blatantly hyperbolic). However, this was clearly an erroneous claim on my part, as evidence to the contrary has recently been discovered. The fact that a television program based solely on the premise of C-grade ‘celebrities’ falling over on a tilting set could not be in breach of the Broadcasting Services Act based on asininity alone, is abominable. My only possible conclusions are that either this puerile concept would suffice to engage the target audience of the lumpen proletariat; or alternatively, indicates sufficient grounds for an investigation into a mass-lobotomisation conspiracy.

There is more intellectual and professional integrity in a queue at a social security office than the entire cast and audience of this spectacle

There is more intellectual and professional integrity in a queue at a social security office than the entire cast and audience of this spectacle

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So you had a baby – why exactly are we supposed to care?

I must say that I did breathe a sigh of relief that the royal kid is a boy, because the prospect of being bombarded by headlines about matching outfits was bound to make us all physically ill. On the upside, we should all be grateful for anything that takes the focus off which Kardashian thinks they are the hottest this week – not to mention the epic stupidity that was the ‘North West’ atrocity. I still recoil in horror at the mere thought of it, and continue to debate over which is more of an assault to my sensibilities – their imbecility or their futile attempt to be clever?

There is no excuse for this - this is just totally unacceptable. I just hope the baby doesn't inherit her fashion sense. The question remains - who is more offended by this - Kim or the couch?!?

There is no excuse for this – this is just totally unacceptable. I just hope the baby doesn’t inherit her fashion sense. The question remains – who is more offended by this – Kim or the couch?!?

Save the bears? At least whales wouldn’t kill you

Have you ever noticed that representatives of non-Government organisations such as The Wilderness Society, are always extremely attractive and charismatic, usually with either Irish or Spanish accents? I have no doubt whatsoever that this is the primary reason that 90% of people choose to make donations to these organisations – no matter how compelling their spiel is about some obscure species of bear that is under threat of extinction.

Apart from the fact that these so-called activists are working on a commission only basis which explains why they continuously harass you every time you walk past them to the point where you are stressed out about the fact that you are running out of excuses to get away from them, they seem to target locations where they are least likely to gain any donations. Do they really think that targeting universities based solely on the idea that students must be raging pseudo-hippy, environmentalists is an effective strategy? Reality is, students are more likely to be concerned about how they are going to afford tobacco and alcohol, let alone food, until their next pay. I’m guessing saving bears is not high on their priority list.

In addition to this, do you really think that in an alternate universe that the specific bears that they are trying to convince you to save would take an active interest in assisting the continuation of the survival of the human species? I highly doubt it, considering there have been approximately 32 fatal bear attacks since 1980, 13 of which occured since the year 2000. A precedent to support my argument is that of grizzly bear activist, Timothy Treadwell and his girlfriend Amie Huguenard, who were both fatally attacked by one of the bears who they had been living amongst.

In conclusion, even the highest dedication to bear activism is counterproductive to say the least, considering the likelihood of it ultimately leading to your own demise. Alternatively, a donation of $50 a month to this imbecilic cause is hardly going to gain you the prerequisites in order to be a viable candidate for Knighthood.

Umm, I think I'll save the whales instead

Umm, I think I’ll save the whales instead

The Spray Tan phenomenon – who are you kidding?

Following on from my statement about the grotesquely hideous platform wedge, another postmodern ‘fashion’ abomination that requires addressing is the spray tan. What could possibly possess someone to pay money to stand in a cubicle completely naked (g-string optional) and be sprayed with iridescent orange paint so that they can emerge resembling an oompa-loompa or a corpse restored by a colour-blind mortician?

In addition to this, the spray tan, as far as I am aware, only lasts for a brief period of time. The upside to this of course is that it at least limits the time period in which you would be exposed to public ridicule. Yet, fans of this innovative tanning technique insist on perpetuating this cosmetic cataclysm. Here is a profound revelation…there is this thing…it is called…the sun!

On a positive note, after several years of profits gained by the ‘beauty therapist’ for performing this service, they will finally be able to afford the highly accredited Certificate IV in Eyelash Extensions.

I'm sure even Donnatella Versace would consider this extreme.

I’m sure even Donnatella Versace would consider this extreme.

Platform wedges – ugly shoes for incompetent women

Hi everyone, here is the first rant that I posted on Facebook, not realising that some people would actually get offended by a simple comment. What the hell is that about?!? These individuals obviously have insecurities about their lack of coordination, or simply just have bad taste!

I am finding it increasingly difficult to reconcile the justification for why the platform wedge has made a comeback…unless this is 1997 and you are a Spice Girl, it is utterly unacceptable to consider this aesthetic abomination fashionable. The added fact that most girls who choose to wear them cannot walk in them is highly amusing. The only logical conclusion is that wedges were in fact designed for the sole purpose of providing the uncoordinated with an alternative to stilettos, which serve a dual purpose of being aesthetically pleasing and dividing the fashionably skilled from the fashionably challenged.

Any thoughts?